I had a dream a couple nights ago that the peanut and I were heading into Chuck E. Cheese's. I won 5,000 tokens from a radio contest by texting the word "Languid" to 36500. (I'm assuming this dream was inspired by my earnest attempts to win tickets to the IHEART Radio Music Festival) We were walking on a narrow path to get into the doorway. The pathway was made of yellow and golden bricks and the peanut's little hand was interlocked with mine. Her sandals were shuffling against the cement bricks as her pace quickened and she squealed and laughed. Several workers stumbled over themselves to open the doors for us and they greeted us warmly. They had built rides specifically for us that had never been used. In the background I could see an enormous chocolate fountain and tables filled with platters of food. Peanut looked at me and smiled and we continued down the path. Suddenly a loud clank and a thud came from the parking lot and her parents jumped out of their car and darted towards us wearing their fancy dress clothes. Peanut's mom kept tripping on the yellow bricks as she tried to run so she crawled towards us. I reached down to offer her a hand and lifted her up. They picked up the peanut and we walked side by side towards the door. With our arms linked, we squeezed together trying to fit into the door. When we realized we couldn't we decided to line up single file. Mom, Peanut, Dad and then Me. Mom stepped through, Peanut walked through, Dad stepped through and then this uncomfortable shifty looking teenage boy in a uniform lifted the velvet rope just as I was about to enter and held up his hand signalling me to stop and firmly stated "We're at capacity, ma'am." I stood frozen. He lifted my hand, unwrapped my fingers from around the pouch full of tokens and walked them over to Peanut's parents. I think this story speaks for itself.
I haven't gone to church since April. I've composed all sorts of flimsy excuses when my friends ask why they haven't seen me there. I typically blame life's circumstances and cross my fingers that they accept it without questioning me further. I'm disappointed in myself and it's easy for me to look at the gaping holes I see in my life as a result of it. My thoughts are lacking inspiration. It's hard to get a sentence out that is more weighty or bracing than "Guess what happened to me today." I've been sitting on my back lanai for over 2 hours listening to the rain hit the roof and the only thought that's come to me is that I need someone to pour some life into me. Sometimes God's plan for you hurts. Being angry at Him is easy. Denying His existence is easy. Ignoring His call when it's time to do something that you know is going to be hard comes naturally to someone like me. Loving God and trusting in His sovereignty and goodness requires a strength you can only draw from feeling His love for you. When I step back into that church, I know He will consume me. I will receive a message seemingly designed for me alone and I will hear God's voice speaking to me directly through my pastor's earthly body. I will feel safe in that church. I will feel loved in that church. I will feel held. And then when I leave that church, I will do the work that God tells me to do. This is what I've been avoiding.
"If you want to love the way God loves, resign your rights." That means, Amy, give up control, you control freak ;) It is not my job to crucify the peanut's parents about their choices no matter how much I fear for this precious child. It is not my job to pass judgment . It is not my job to try to convince others to rally around in the pain I feel in my heart by speaking badly about them so that I am not bobbing in my stagnant pool of sadness all alone. I watched a podcast of one of my pastor's messages a few weeks ago and he discussed Romans 12:19. He talked about still offering more of yourself when it is hard; still giving when what you give is being mishandled. This is the time I need to wake up in the morning and do the work God has asked me to do, and at night when my heart is aching and my soul hurts, trust that He'll hold me and breathe His strength into me, granting me another day.
Romans 12:17 Repay no one evil for evil but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, live peacebly for all. Beloved never avenge yourselves but leave it to the wrath of God. For it is written, vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord
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